JUMP STARTING MY PEN

I am sitted at my dining table… at 0143hours writing  this… It has been an engaging day.. Went to work in the morning.. Hosted two of my favourite girlfriends in my house for a late lunch and went for dinner at my mom-in-loves house. We are now back home and I finally found that one hour I have been looking for to get writing again.

You see, I am a new mom… 4 months…. actually 5-months-end-this-month-kind-of-new and it certainly feels like my days have been spinning faster than I can keep up…. there is hardly a single extra minute to do something that is not core…. taking care of my baby…  showing some love to My babe…. going to work and engaging fully for those 8 hours I am there… managing a home.. expressing milk for the above said baby… eating food in regular amounts to maintain milk supply.. washing the bottles that contained the afore mentioned milk….clearly milk-related  duties are a large  part of my day.

Anyway….I was busy sharing my strong excuses of my lack of time to get back on the writing road with two of my friends in two separate conversations.. One said “if you sleep at nine, then you need to sleep at ten” off course I laughed heartily at the thought.. the imagination.. the idea of me sleeping at nine. When was the last time I slept at nine pm? I cannot recall. Nine is peak hours… at nine there are still several things to do… those things I already told you about. The core things. The other wise woman told me “Just wake up earlier” Eish!!!  It is clearly me and my sleep against the world.

This article was essentially to be about reminding myself that writing for me is not a side thing. It is not just a mere hobby… a thing I should be putting off as I await the elusive extra hour. Writing is a priority, a calling an assignment that I must do, a skill that I should sharpen and ultimately a gift that I was given that I must multiply in double digit  fold because I shall surely give an account for it. On that day, when I believe I will be getting some bling on my eternal crown, I want rubies and gems for work well done…. for a mandate faithfully executed.

So yes, I commit to finding that hour… to making the time and putting in the effort to activate my gifting. Writing and all else that appertains my assignment. After all, people can encourage, inspire, motivate and show you the way but you must do the work. Scratch that. I must do the work.  I must do the heavy lifting. The scratching of the eyes, the yawns and it will hopefully not have to lead to feet in cold water. Just got to the minimum five hundred words required for this article. Not so bad for a start.

CONTENTMENT OR COMPLACENCY?

My kitchen bulb had some issue for a couple of days and I had to contend with cooking with the living room light for a couple of days (thank God for American style kitchens.) It was at first very uncomfortable and I had to practically poke my nose into the pot to confirm the culinary progress. Then with time I got used to it…. the darkness that it. I stopped flipping the switch… I adapted. I got with the program.

While adaptation is an important trait to have , I realized we can at times get “adapted” to the wrong things. Lower standards, mediocrity, smaller dreams and lower expectations.  As we grow, I realize we can often allow ourselves to stop dreaming with the childlike enthusiasm of our days past. We no longer believe in good things happening to us just because we are us. There could be a catch…a hidden agenda because why in the world would someone like you for who you are?

The kitchen bulb incident really got me thinking… Had I thrown away some of my childhood dreams? Had I gotten so used to having things a certain way that I was no longer reaching out for more, for better, higher and greater.. Had I slept on my life… complacent and satisfied?

As I searched my soul, prayed and pored through my inner most thoughts, I had to face some tough facts…. Yes, there were places that I had indeed allowed the bar to drop a bit. May be a lot. There were a few hopes that were gathering dust at the back shelves of my mind. There were certain habits that I was allowing to rob me of the life I wanted… Procrastination…. self doubt and lack of sufficient discipline to follow through on my tasks.

While it is important to be content, I now reckon there is a thick black line between contentedness and complacency.  

Contentment is defined by various dictionaries as “ Being mentally or emotionally satisfied with things as they are ;  peace of mind; mental or emotional satisfaction; The state of being happy and satisfied.

Complacency on the other hand is explained as “a feeling of being satisfied with how things are and not wanting to try to make them better;a feeling of quiet pleasure or security often while unaware of some potential danger, defect or the like.’

 Contentment this is a wonderful place to be. It is enjoying today as it is; not waiting for tomorrow when things shall be better. It is living life like it is golden.  The thing with contentment though is that it has the aspect of growth, progress and continuous improvement. It acknowledges today’s extra ordinary will be without the extra- on- the- ordinary- tomorrow. Today’s maximum is tomorrow’s minimum.  

Complacency on the other hand deals life with the qui-sera-sera-hand. What will be, will be. It fronts a fatalistic- I-am-not-in-charge- demeanour which for the most part absolves one of the responsibility and in turn the blame should things not “work out.” We may not be in charge of the elements, times and seasons but we are undoubtedly responsible for our attitudes, choices, and the maximization of our God-given potential. When the sun sets on this life each shall stand before their maker and give an account… what problems did we solve? What did we male better? How did we live?  

My point you ask? Be happy about today and keep anticipating and preparing for tomorrow. Appreciate  for what has come in now remembering that tomorrow has greater expectations and demands. In a world that seems fixated on making us conform, we must choose daily to aim high, dream big and work towards the realization of our goals.  

My June Reflect…

My June Reflections

One of the questions I am constantly asking myself is “If I were to die today, would I say I have fulfilled purpose? Have I gone where I was born to go? Have I become what God designed me to be? Have I Lived trully? Served greatly? Loved Deeply?”Of course I want to a long life. A long satisfying life. I want to see my children, and their children but I realize that living meaningfully begins today; not tomorrow when I have more money, security…yada yada….. I hope you don’t find the thought morbid… No. It is my note to self to stay in perspective. Stay focused. Stay fearless… And live life like the wonderful opportunity it is. I want to hear those golden words of Matthew 25:23 at my life appraisal;  ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’

12 months of marriage

12 Months, 12 LESSONs…. lessons from the first lap OF MARRIAGE
1. Selfishness must die!!!
The journey of marriage is a lot about esteeming one another above self.
NB: Loving another does not mean neglecting or demeaning yourself but rather doing unto your significant other as you would like them to do unto you. I echo some wise words I saw online “when nails grow long, we cut nails not fingers. Similarly, we misunderstandings crop up, we cut the ego not the relationship”. There.

2. The price of being understood is explaining yourself.
Over and over again. That is how often you need to do it. That one time you said it may not be sufficient. The first days/ months of marriage are laden with a lot of expectation. In every girl’s handbook of love, her prince is “supposed” to do certain things. He is supposed to intuitively know when and why she is feeling blue and get quickly to the how of getting her smiling again. He voluntarily helps with chores, puts his dirty socks in the laundry bin and used dishes in the sink
(not the other way round). He fixes things around the home and does all the manual lifting to protect your back; you the future mother of his three children. Some girls live this dream on a day to day basis but this is not everyone’s story….at least not in the beginning. Laugh and learn to appreciate what you have but remember to ask for what you need…

3. You never lose!
I read somewhere that marriage is made of two big losers. Losers. Imagine that. Fortunately, it’s not the usual sense of losers but rather people who are willing to be wrong, albeit briefly so that they can do the right thing. It’s giving your spouse some space to take the lead, often one enjoying the privilege more than the other. It is learning to choose your battles so that you can save your energy, emotional and otherwise for more worthy causes.
NB: This does not mean being a pushover but rather taking the second place graciously and the first place with magnanimity.

4. What you’re going through? Nothing new!!! Really. It’s true!
Regardless of how many books you read and how many bridal showers you attend, there will always be things about your spouse that surprise you in marriage. And I mean the what-is-this-kind-of-surprise. One of the most reassuring things in my first a hundred days of marriage was sharing my challenges with my close (please note close) pals and having them relate to the commonness of the issues. Away from the usual stereotypes, there are just certain things that men are wont to do… it’s their nature. So breathe girl…

 5. Sometimes it’s better to sleep on it.
When I got married and indeed throughout our dating, I viewed conflict resolution as an emergency. It had to be done quickly, promptly and urgently. We were not going to let the devil rule in our midst; or rather I wasn’t. Now a year plus later I realize that sometimes trying to sort out issues in the heat of emotion may not necessarily be the wisest thing to do. I am learning that my marriage is not on the rocks when we have a disagreement and indeed sleeping over it does make things a little more manageable. The issues must be tackled though. They should not be swept under the rug. Uncomfortable conversations are not exciting to propose , engage in or bring to amicable conclusions… these uncomfortable conversations however are essential to make the marriage a cozy and more comfortable place. Our mentor taught us that often, the best way to handle very difficult conversations is with a smile, a friendly demeanour and a good attitude. Every issue well sorted is another feather in your cap of unity.

6. It’s not always about you….
So there is this joke about a couple’s silent thoughts in bed one evening.
The Woman “ How come he is not talking? Is he okay? He hasn’t even touched me this evening… does he still love me? Am I too fat? Is he seeing someone else?’
A man’s thought train “now why did Arsenal sell RVP when we are in such dire need of a sticker?” seriously!!!!! I asked my hubby and he confirmed it is true. Rarely do they over think and analyze things like we do. They don’t turn words upside-down-inside-out to squeeze out any inferred or intended meaning. When I suspected my hubby was saying something behind what he was actually saying, I used to ask “what are you trying to say??” His response “I am not trying to say anything.. When I have something to say, I will say it directly.” Bang! In my face.

7. Men and women are different
You would think it is so obvious right? The difference becomes more glaring as you start out… He gets fully engrossed in one task with his whole being; she can divide her attention to 4 different tasks; you rant when you are mad/ disappointed/ upset, he retreats into the cave and shuts you out. Mark Gungor (one of my/the best relationship coaches) says often the things we expect men to do are not manli-ly (sic) possible. It’s an expectation you should have of another woman!

8. When love fails, remember respect.
Respect is a man’s primary need. So I have heard repeatedly (and confirmed). This is one of the simplest explanations I have heard (from a man) on the definition of respect. The story, share d by the said man went something like this. “My wife and I were going to my rural home for my aunt’s funeral. We had attended my grandmother’s funeral at a church in the area and I was sure it was going to be at the same venue. When we got to one of the turnings my wife said ‘I think it is that way.’ I said ‘no, it’s the next turn.’ As I thought to myself ‘this is my home land. My turf. Take a chill pill and let me drive.’ We proceeded on until we got to the other turn. My turn. This was when I realized that maybe we had taken the longer route. Please note that we were not lost. We eventually had to confirm directions from a local and bang! It was as my wife has suspected. Sorry. It was as my wife had KNOWN. She could have said ‘I am sure it is here… you wait and you will see’ but because she has been married to me for over 2 decades she said ‘I think.’ That is respect. ” I hope this helps…

9. It gets better; or maybe it is that we get better.
Things are better now. We have settled in better, known each other more and more importantly accepted who we both are. We are better friends. We talk more, laugh more (especially at ourselves ) and handle matters together a lot more. We are finding our rhythm and learning our pace.

10. Accept who you married
To dream the person you would like your partner to be is to waste the person your partner is.” Author unknown.
My mother once told me that often the thing that attracts you to somebody before marriage is the thing that you argue about the most in marriage. You loved his ability to be spontaneous and break routine and now, there is nothing loveable about paying bills spontaneously. They must be done at the appointed time! You liked his well- organized and composed demeanour; now you think he is rigid and boring! People come as a package. They are not a choice selection the qualities we deem acceptable. I once heard this theory that has helped me understand this whole strength and weakness story a bit better. Your weaknesses are often on the flip side of your strength. The heads of the matter is that you are focused, ambitious and a go getter. The tails is that you can be bossy and a bully. The sunny side is that you are a happy-go- lucky character but he not so bright side is that you may be inconsistent and indisciplined. So? So you embrace your spouse wholly and pray fro the grace to accept their flaws. You help them with their weaknesses but you don’t make it your lifetime agenda to contort them to your desires shape and size. There is these funny saying by Albert Einstein “Men get married hoping she’ll never change, women getting married hoping he will. Inevitably, both are disappointed”

11. The Marriage box – I can’t add or remove to this second last lesson I found online.

12. A three stranded cord.
Ecclesiastes 4:12- ‘Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a three stranded cord is not easily broken.’’ Every other day, I realize that there is a greater power that holds my marriage together. God. He is the first and strongest cord. The centre if our lives. He gives us grace to love and care, to forgive and share. As we weave our lives around Him, we understand His purpose that we come together to fulfill; individually and corporately. That knowledge is a real anchor. We are not just doing it for ourselves but to accomplish a divine assignment as a family.

A little extra…

Every woman or at least most women have that one person who understands their hair.

One who has the right to rebuke you when you have forgotten the 11^th commandment of hair…

Thou shalt trim thy split ends. The one who does not actually have to consult you to nip those tiny little strands that make you hair stand like you have been electrocuted…

Nowadays, most of these specialists are men…. the argument is that they seem to approach the issue of feminine aesthetics with greater curiousity hence mostly provide better care and greater attention to detail. They do not dismiss any issues of concern as “normal” or the unpleasant consequence of your less than enthusiastic care of your locs. That is a whole story for another day but for today, this is about Sarah (yes, a lady) who has a special relationship with my hair.

I met Sarah a bit over a year ago having moved neighbourhoods after tying the knot.

I have always believed that a good hairdresser is a lot like a friend. There are certain needs that particular friends can meet…. There is your level headed, straight talking pal who tells it like it is, the one who has no ability to mince words or sugar coat bitter truths into palatable  pieces of information.

Then there is the right-in-it-with you friend who you can bet feels your pain and joy in equal measure. This friend will cry and laugh in your changing life’s seasons and understand the meaning of empathy.

So, like friends, I have several hairdressers in different corners of the city who know me by name and each specially meets my various hair needs.  

So I was telling you about Sarah..I walked into the salon where she works more out of desperation than choice. It was in the middle of the week; I could not stretch the bad-hair-day pushback-style- masquerade a day longer and I needed a solution and fast. Not going to the salon would have been against a certain clause in my contract that instructs that I must conduct myself in a manner that brings the company into disrepute… and disrepute was what was about to appear on my head….

A few cold stares and a reluctant smile later, Sarah jumped to my rescue and said hallo like we were old friends. Like I was a regular…I must admit she did not look the least bit convincing in her demeanour. She lacked the “beautician flare” that most professionals in her field have and she was in fact also having a bad hair day…. nothing compared to mine though… she could push it a few days further.

Anyway, she took my hair order and got to the working.. PowerPoint images of a bald me did their dance in my head as I reluctantly lay my mane (hahhaha!)  for a retouch into this new unknown hands. She started out well… and midway through I gave her my preferred treatment product. You should have seen her face. “This won’t work; it will irritate your scalp because it will be very sensitive once we are done.” I tried to convince her it was okay but she swore she had seen another client have a rather unpleasant experience. Just so that I was sure she wasn’t trying to make a quick dollar from me , she went ahead and offered to give me service at a discounted rate all for my sensitive scalp.  

Maybe this is commonplace on your side of the street but for me, Sarah was raising the service game several notches higher. That evening, I not only paid , left with my mane (there I go again) looking very glam but I also  got a power refresher course in exceeding the customer’s expectations.

Needless today Sarah is now in my hairdresser log. I may pay a little more for her service, sometimes a lot more because well, she has more rent to pay, but every visit is worth it, because in that time, I am in the hands of someone who means me well and desires the best for my aesthetic appeal. I realize that it really is in the small things that we have the opportunity to make a big difference. It is the caring beyond what we can get to wanting to give our absolute best that we truly achieve not just greatness, but true significance.

So what can you today a little more, or a little better?

What words can you speak that make life a little brighter for someone around you? I echo the words of a wise man “it is in the little extra that we become extra ordinary.”      

my happiness, my choice,my job!

No one can make you happy. They can only contribute to it. The people who value us can only enhance our experience and make it more meaningful…but happiness is ultimately a choice. It is a choice to see things on the correct perspective. To see yourself as valuable,making a significant contribution to the world. To see life as the privilege it is. Happiness must be based on the internal…. and to a great extent the eternal….  because the externals are ever fluctuating variables that go high and low as life ebbs and flows. Every day, we must make a choice and be happy.

Beating that critical spirit

I recently ran (more of walked) a marathon to raise funds for a good cause .2013 resolution no. 5 check! So, as my hubby went about explaining the route we would use, I murmured. … “This route does not seem to make sense, it looks like a winding maze around one place. Who does that? ”
Taste of my own medicine was when I had to run (okay, walk) beside someone who, like me, had more that her two cents worth of input. “This race is too long, this route is too complex, we have brought activities in the CBD to stand still, and we should have used the other route…blah blah blah… “. It was exasperating to listen to say the least. I almost kicked myself, but not before I pointed out I was sure there was a lot of consultation that went into deciding the routes and the marathon logistics as a whole. Hindsight is truly 20/20. Later as we went home, I apologized to my husband for whining. Whining about the marathon route… I mean, who does that?

As I reflected, I realize there is some hidden satisfaction one gets when they are able to find fault in someone’s work. strange but true. There is a varied buffet of websites, blogs, gutter press publications all claiming to be reliable sources of the hot gossip of every who’s-who in town; even if the facts are not entirely accurate, they can claim to be the proverbial rumour smoke that is behind the fire of the “truth”.
If it’s not about the single Christian artist who is pregnant with the pastor’s baby, or the top female CEOs that have slept their way to the top then it is about the young techpreneur who is rumored to have multiple gay partners.Its about the business magnate with an untamable fetish for tall light- skinned college girls and off-course which politician is warming whose bed and is clearly infected with the HIV virus. Hate-filled threads, links,comments and hash tags go viral on various social media. “The running reality show on the local TV station is not quite hitting the right spots… the contestants have no talent, their wardrobe is off , the sound is poor and the judges are incompetent…”ring a bell?? Most of us have all at one time or other participated in such conversations.

As we sit with our popcorn with our eyes glued to our screens, often we only see the artist struggling to make her way to the red carpet. Her nose is big (in our view) and she can’t quite walk gracefully (yet) in her 6 inch heels. We forget that behind that “hustler” is someone who reached out for what they desired… she did not wait to feel like a star, look like one or walk like one. She put herself out there and has made one step in their journey in self discovery. There is more to that model who you don’t think is beautiful or gracious enough to win that crown. She is a diamond coming out of the rough who has fought through every teenage insecurity, acne and fear to make it happen.

Granted, there are many people out there using less than appropriate means to achieve their end… there are many artists who may as well stick to singing in the shower. Hundreds of men who should learn to keep their zips up and lots of women need to know you can scale the corporate ladder with their panties on…..Today that is not the point. The point is, we cannot make a career out of it. We cannot use it as an excuse to just sit back and be. When we finally get to that driving school we may be a bit more patient with the lady with the L sticker on the road. When we put our hand to try that business, use that talent and reach for more, we most probably will appreciate everyone else trying to do fill their part in life’s puzzle.

I close with this apt summary by Theodore Roosevelt … “It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat. “ Enough said.

After we have b…

After we have been inspired, motivated and encouraged, we cannot afford to just sit and stew in the juices of “feeling like we can make it”.. we must roll up our sleeves and take out our notebooks…. our plans and goals… we must ask, what next?? what steps am I making today to achieve what I want tomorrow….. what moves am I making to go where I see myself in the coming months, years….. I reckon every great and legitimate achievement always was made by intentional striving towards bigger and better….

The buck stops starts with me….

I can’t expect from the world what I cannot give to myself…. Love, acceptance, a sense of worth and esteem…. Space to grow and the freedom to become who I am. I have realized that my greatest relationship frustrations come when I approach our human relationships with an empty cup mentality…..this mentality says   “I am here empty and ready to receive…” . This mindset  should only be our approach when we come before God because he is the source of all things.  We can go empty and he can fill us…. We can go with our brokenness, frailties and weaknesses and he can sort us out.  

 Human relationships are about giving and sharing and becoming more…. We can’t do this on an empty engine…. Granted, our fuel for life engagements may not always read “F” but we must notice and address ourselves and our issues when the light starts blinking. We must endeavour to fill ourselves so that we have energy to keep going… and we have grace to sometimes get disappointed without losing faith in those we love. We have the patience to stick out difficult situations and uncomfortable change.

 I reckon that the happier I am as a person, the happier a wife, a sister, a daughter, a work mate I become. Off course the little and big things my loved ones do multiply and magnify my joy. Off course that bouquet of flowers and some chocolate always gets me dancing and blushing. Off course beautiful words make me weak in the knees and the feeling of knowing I am well loved and accepted makes everyday even more worth living.

 I have learnt that before I expect anyone else to do so , I should celebrate me… before I ask that I be understood I need to understand me…how I work and how I run. Before I expect another to accept and love me, then I should love and embrace and WHOLLY so, all that I am. I must extend the hand of forgiveness to myself for all my faults and mistakes before I can truly be able to do the same for another. I have discovered that the more accepting I am of myself, the more I extend it to those around me.

 The bible puts it aptly… “Though shall love the Lord with all your heart and soul and mind and your neighbor as yourself”. So this is the order, that we receive of God’s perfect and all embracing love it wholly… that we reciprocate by giving of ourselves to Him and that we express this same to ourselves and ultimately to others. We are wired to be connected to the source of love. When we see ourselves as channels of this love, we give it without fear, we share it with a sense of confidence and security. My mentor puts it this way: when we allow ourselves to be channels not reservoirs, we experience abundance  as much as a pipe of water does not complain of thirst if it keeps the flow running.

 

in a world that…

in a world that continually points us towards what is incomplete about us, I must learn to be my biggest cheerleader. my number one fan. It does not mean that I become blind to my mistakes or deaf to correction…. It means I must continually mirror myself through the standards of grace and improvement…..not perfection…